His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I just found a bag of teeth...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
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