Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
