The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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