A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
