I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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