Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
