I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Randomize
