Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
