She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
