im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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