just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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