I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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