You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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