Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
