My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
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