I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
