I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
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