NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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