Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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