did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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