It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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