Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
