you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
