im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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