If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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