put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Randomize
