My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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