well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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