Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
