I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
