It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Randomize
