mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
