theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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