It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
