Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
