Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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