i just had sex bonerless
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
