if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
