Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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