I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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