It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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