Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
