He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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