Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
