Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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