Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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