mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
