Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Less talking, more tequila
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
