i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
