just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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