When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
