I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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