I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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