Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
