it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
