i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
