hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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